Here’s How Attachment Styles Shape Relationships
As a social media user, have you ever noticed the term “attachment styles?”
What exactly are these styles anyway? How do they impact relationships? We’ll go through each style and its effects to help you become healthier partners (and people).
Explaining the Attachment Theory
Do you wonder why you think and behave in specific ways in your relationships? Perhaps the attachment theory can provide some clarity.
The attachment theory has been around since the 1950s. Psychoanalyst John Bowlby developed it while working with mentally and emotionally distressed kids. He observed how their behavior was connected with their relationships with their caregivers. After much investigation, Bowlby and his team identified four attachment styles, which we’ll get into later.
What does the attachment theory propose? It suggests that one’s bond with their primary caregiver(s) shapes the way they navigate their relationships. So if you’ve picked up some childhood relationship patterns that have stayed on until adulthood, you now know where to base them.
Attachment Styles
Since we now understand how the attachment theory works, we can finally get to the styles and see how they play out.
Bowlby’s four styles are as follows:
Anxious
This first style is a result of inconsistent parenting. Its defining characteristics in adults include low self-esteem, fear of abandonment and relationship failure, jealousy and clinginess, and the need for constant reassurance. Folks with this attachment style also tend to struggle with trusting other people’s availability despite being aware of their needs.
Last year, a viral 37-second TikTok clip showed a young woman depicting a dater with an anxious attachment style. First, she wonders why her boyfriend hasn’t sent her a “good morning” text yet. Over the course of the video, she lets her imagination spiral. She thinks her SO (significant other) is with another girl, so she then drives to his house to confront him — only to find no evidence. Once she returns home, she then gets her long-awaited text.
Many people in the video’s comment section related to the character’s struggles, wishing to curb their anxiety. Going by the feedback, the anxious attachment style is a popular one.
Partners with anxious SOs may feel overwhelmed. Potential hurdles include jealousy and unhealthy boundaries.
Avoidant
Have you encountered “lone wolves?” These folks prefer moving independently and tend to be emotionally strong. They believe they don’t need relationships to feel fulfilled. Another standout quality? People with this style don’t like depending on others, and they’d rather not have people depend on them either.
The avoidant attachment style’s defining quality is the fear of intimacy. Avoidant folks have trouble letting others in because they believe they can’t fulfill their needs. Even if they have partners, they either maintain their distance or are emotionally unavailable.
Why do these people close themselves off? They may be shielding themselves from pain. The more they’re disengaged, the less likely they’ll encounter heartbreak.
What happens when a partner displays this style? The other person may feel rejected and neglected. What’s the point of being with someone who doesn’t want to take the leap?
Disorganized
If you think the avoidant and anxious styles are scary on their own, wait until you meet their offspring!
The disorganized attachment style has people craving and avoiding affection. They wear self-sabotage on their sleeves because of their mistrust. It’s like they’re waiting for the pain to come because of its inevitability.
Sounds confusing, yes? That’s because it is. Partners may struggle to keep up with it.
Secure
This last (but definitely not the least) style is the one all of us should aspire to follow.
A secure attachment style is a healthy model that encourages open communication and trust, allowing vulnerability. Need some breathing room? No problem! This attachment style is happy to make space for independence and exploration.
While external reassurance is welcome, secure partners don’t find it necessary. Jealousy is a non-issue and intimacy is embraced.
Changing Your Attachment Style
Do the anxious, avoidant, and disorganized styles scare you? Here’s some good news: attachment styles aren’t fixed. As you grow, you can shift your style into a healthier one.
Change your attachment style by following these steps:
1. Spot your relationship patterns
Take a trip down memory lane and look back at your relationship with your parents (or parental figures). Your memories and experiences will give you much-needed answers.
2. Give your self-esteem a boost
Self-love isn’t always easy for some, so start with gradual self-tolerance and -neutrality. You deserve to be valued and no one should tell you otherwise.
3. Address your needs
What do you want and need out of a relationship? Pay attention to your feelings and express them. Set boundaries and assert them. If you feel you need extra help with this, don’t hesitate to approach a quality therapist.
The more you’re aware of attachment styles, the more likely you’ll become better partners. View them as a means for growth instead of future threats.
